Two old cowboys, Will and Bud, sit'n on a fence telling stories and talking
rodeo. Will turns to Bud and asks, "Do you think there's bull riding in
Heaven?"

Bud thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a
deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's bull riding
in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Will passes on. Soon
afterward, Bud sits in on the fence by himself and hears a voice whisper,
"Bud... Bud... ."

Bud responds, "Will! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Bud," whispers Will's ghost.

Bud, still amazed, asks, "So, is there bull riding in Heaven?"

"Well," says Will, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Bud.

Will says, "Well, there is bull riding in Heaven."

Bud says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?"

Will sighs and whispers, I checked the draw and "You're up on Bodacious
Friday."

ReasonS why Tim stopped playing Santa

Have you see the size of kids these days, you need a cable and hoist to get them on my lap.

When the last guy to use the beard leaves bits of his lunch in it.

Even with the costume, people recognizing me from "Crime Watch"

Kids refuse to believe that it's fruitcake on my breath and not gin.

Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from Drama School

Kids who don't understand that Santa's been a little jittery since he got back from rehab

What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator!

Lisa needs brain surgery and figures its easier to buy a new brain. She asks the doctor what he has on sale.
"Well you're in luck I have two in stock, a man's brain for $1000, and a woman's for $100."
Surprised she asks why the price difference?
"Generally women brains run cheaper because they come to us used!

Why don't aliens eat clowns.
Because they taste funny.

Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.

A man has his car full of penguins. He drives past a policeman, but the policeman stops him. He says. "Hey, you! Yeah, you! You should take those penguins to the zoo!"
The man does that.
The next day in the same spot, the man still has the penguins. Once again he drives past the policeman. "Hey, I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!"
"I did," replies the man. "We had so much fun that were going to the beach today!"

A Woman asks a Waiter What is this fly doing in my Ice cream?
The waiter says, "SHIVERING MADAM".

Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".

Q. What book do you like the most?
A. Woman: "My husbands checkbook."

A nice lady in a short skirt walks up to a police man on the street and says, "I have a problem."
The police man asked her what it is, she points to a man across the street and says, "See that man?"
The police man replies, "Yes, is he watching you?"
She replies, " NO!, that is the problem!"

What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!

A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way...

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
el-if-i-no

An old cowboy was riding his trusty horse followed by his faithful dog along an unfamiliar road. The man was enjoying the new scenery, when he suddenly remembered dying, and realized that the dog beside him had been dead for years, as had his horse. Confused, he wondered what was happening, and where the trail was leading them.  After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall that looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch topped by a golden letter "H" that glowed in the sunlight.  Standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like gold.  He rode toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. Parched and tired out by his journey, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'  'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered. 'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked. 'Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.' As the gate began to open, the cowboy asked, 'Can I bring my partners, too?' 'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.' The cowboy thought for a moment, then turned back to the road and continued riding, his dog trotting by his side. After another long ride, at the top of another hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a ranch gate that looked as if it had never been closed. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. 'Excuse me,' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?' 'Sure, there's a pump right over there. Help yourself.' 'How about my friends here?' the traveler gestured to the dog and his horse. 'Of course! They look thirsty, too,' said the man. The trio went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with buckets beside it. The traveler filled a cup and the buckets with wonderfully cool water and took a long drink, as did his horse and dog. When they were full, he walked back to the man who was still standing by the tree. 'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked. This is Heaven,' he answered. 'That's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.' 'Oh, you mean the place with the glitzy, gold street and fake pearly gates? That's hell.' 'Doesn't it make you angry when they use your name like that?' 'Not at all. Actually, we're happy they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'

 You might be a red neck if;

You think the freeway is the back door of the movie theater.

Higher math means counting over 10.

Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.

Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard.

Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.

You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.

You prefer car keys to Q-tips.

You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.

Your secret family recipe is illegal.

One night a robber broke into a farmers home and heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" while he started disconnecting the home entertainment center.

He replied, "Who said that?!"

Once again he heard the same thing, "Jesus is watching you!"

The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was. The parrot replied, "Moses."

The robber said, "What kind of a name is Moses?! Who names a parrot that?!"

The parrot said, "The same person who named that Rottweiler behind you Jesus!"

 INSTALLING A HUSBAND:


Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 .

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 , and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0 , NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1 .

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail..

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1 . Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta .

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7 ....
Good Luck!
Tech Support

You know you're a redneck jedi when..

You hear "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."

You ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

e-mail from a freind.

Hey, check Your Mailbox

Just wanted to let you know – today I received my 2012 Social Security Stimulus Package. It contained two tomato seeds, some cornbread mix, a prayer rug, a machine to blow smoke up my ass, 10 discount coupons to KFC and an "Obama Hope & Change" bumper sticker.  The directions were in Spanish.  Hope you get yours soon.

ECONOMICS 101 continued: Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100.
If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this…

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing
The fifth would pay $1
The sixth would pay $3
The seventh would pay $7
The eighth would pay $12
The ninth would pay $18
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59

So, that’s what they decided to do.

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve ball. “Since you are all such good customers,” he said, “I’m going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20?. Drinks for the ten men would now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men ? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?

They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody’s share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.

So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man’s bill by a h higher percentage the poorer he was, to follow the principle of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded to work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.

And so the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% saving).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% saving).
The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% saving).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% saving).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% saving).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% saving).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings.

“I only got a dollar out of the $20 saving,” declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man,”but he got $10!”

“Yeah, that’s right,” exclaimed the fifth man. “I only saved a dollar too. It’s unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!”
“That’s true!” shouted the seventh man. “Why should he get $10 back, when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!”

“Wait a minute,” yelled the first four men in unison, “we didn’t get anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!”

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn’t show up for drinks so the nine sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn’t have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is how our tax system works. The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D. – Professor of Economics.

 It's that time of Year again!!!!!

Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can ho-ho-ho

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"

The east coast earthquake apparently was caused by an unknown fault line running under D.C. and through Virginia. It is now being called Obama's Fault, though Obama will say it's really Bush's Fault. Other theories are that it was the founding fathers rolling over in their graves or that what we all believed to be an earthquake was actually the effects of a 14.6 trillion dollar check bouncing in Washington

I purchased a burger at my favorite fast food chain for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this?

Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s: 1. Teaching Math In 1950s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of productionis 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ? 2. Teaching Math In 1960s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit? 3. Teaching Math In 1970s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit ? 4. Teaching Math In 1980s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80, and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20. 5. Teaching Math In 1990s A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals, or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. 6. Teaching Math In 2010 Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho? ANSWER: His profit was $375,000 because his logging business is just a front for his marijuana growing business.

Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims Straight forward country thinking

If you refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor. You may be a Muslim

If you own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

You may be a Muslim If you have more wives than teeth. You may be a Muslim

If you think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide. You may be a Muslim

If you consider television dangerous but routinely carry explosives in your clothing. You may be a Muslim

If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs. You may be a Muslim

If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four. You may be a Muslim

If your cousin is president of the United States . You may be a Muslim

Cowboy in Heaven A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked. 'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!' St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?' 'Couple of minutes ago.'

"Thanking Obama for killing Bin Laden is like going into McDonalds and thanking Ronald McDonald for the hamburger. It's the guy cooking the burger that should get the credit, not the clown." --

"Democracy is two wolves and a lamb deciding what to have for dinner. Liberty is a well-armed lamb." Benjamin Franklin

I love Texas Wisdom from the cab of a tractor.... So you're having a bad day are you? Well think about it….... On your very first day….. you were born naked, wet and hungry, and got slapped on the butt… Maybe today's not so bad after all!

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Too bad neither one works.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

Good judgment comes from bad experience... and most of that comes from bad judgement.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes……. That way, when you do criticise them, you're a long ways away….AND… you have their shoes…..which will make it hard for them to catch up to you!

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree. A closed mouth gathers no foot. Count the number of Fs in the words below FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS... How many did you see? (SEE BELOW) WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke. READ IT AGAIN ! Really, go back and try to find the 6 F's before you scroll down. The reasoning behind is further down. The brain cannot process 'OF'. _______________________________________________ From the diary of a Pre-School Teacher My five-year old students are learning to read. Brian: "Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!" Teacher: I took a deep breath, then asked...."What did you call it?" Brian: "It's a frickin' elephant! It says so under the picture!" African Elephant And so it does... Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful? Now that's funny, I don't care who you are. Well maybe you are a red neck because….. Your six-year-old daughter is a card carrying member of the NRA. Your brother-in-law is your uncle. You go to your family reunion to pick up women. Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language. You can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt. People hear your car long before they see it. Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels. A Short Neurological Test 1- Find the C below.. Please do not use any cursor help. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 2- If you already found the C, now find the 6 below. 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 69999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 3 - Now find the N below. It's a little more difficult. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM This is NOT a joke. If you were able to pass these 3 tests, you can cancel your annual visit to your neurologist. Your brain is great and you're far from having a closerelationship with Alzheimer. Congratulations! Eonvrye that can raed this rsaie your hnad. To my 'selected' strange-minded friends: If you can read the following paragraph, forward it on to your friends and the person that sent it to you with 'yes' in the subject line. Only great minds can read this This is weird, but interesting! If you can raed this, you have a sgtrane mnid too Can you raed this? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! If you can raed this forwrad it Amazing how the mind works! Sometime this year, we taxpayers may again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment. This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format: Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ? A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers. Q.. Where will the government get this money ? A. From taxpayers. Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ? A. Only a smidgen of it. Q. What is the purpose of this payment ? A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy. Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ? A. Shut up. Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely: · If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka . · If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs. · If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China . · If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala .. · If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea. · If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan. · If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore. Instead, keep the money in America by: 1) Spending it at yard sales, or 2) Going to ball games, or 3) Spending it on prostitutes, or 4) Beer or 5) Tattoos. (These are about the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. ) Conclusion: Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day ! No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help. Farmer wisdom at its finest! A Jack Daniels Fishing Story I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket. Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog. A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth. Life is good in the South. _____________ The North Dakota Department of Labor claimed a small Bismarck farmer was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him. Department of Labor employee: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them. Farmer: Well, there's my farm hand who's been with me fo